It’s a tale as old as time and one many are all too familiar with. Sibling rivalry is a common dynamic in many households, but it takes many forms, and while some are a healthy aspect of family life and development, others might prove to be cause for concern. 

Sibling relationships can be some of the most rewarding and lifelong relationships in our lives. They can serve as role models, friends, and a marker of a shared identity. In many families, sibling rivalries are a common aspect of life and not one that dominates the dynamic. Siblings will argue and conflict, but the conflict can be brief, perfunctory and result in a learned lesson and repaired relationship. In these cases, conflict can serve a purpose and help to promote developmental growth. 

But while some conflict is inevitable and in fact healthy, there are several predisposing factors that can cause conflict between siblings. First, the order of siblings. As an only child prepares to become a sibling for the first time and welcomes a new personality into the home and family dynamic, competition can breed as the eldest sibling seeks to assert themselves and the younger sibling competes to keep up. Sibling rivalries also tend to be more significant in single parent and blended-family households, while those who have witnessed domestic conflict may at times model this behaviour at home. 

But when does it go too far? Pay attention to whether teasing has become persistent and if fights become physical and require intervention. Persistent conflict and rivalry may also lead to refusal to speak to each other, to withdrawal on a short- or sometimes more permanent basis. If one or both of the siblings is experiencing a mental health challenge such as depression, seeking additional support can prove very beneficial, both from the family system and from mental health professionals. 

There are several ways to improve the sibling dynamic in the home, but it’s important to recognise that that doesn’t mean removing arguments and conflicts altogether. Working collectively to create a set of parameters for healthy conflict can increase the likelihood of these boundaries being respected. Parents should be mindful of whether one child feels there is favouritism at play, and while each child is different and has different needs, everyone can benefit from dedicated time with their parents.

Be reminded that these relationships extend into adulthood, too. Consider how you dealt with similar issues in your youth and handled prior conflicts but remember that each relationship is different. There will always be several ways to handle a situation, either by creating a position of tolerance and allowing it to run its course, or learning when to manage and mitigate issues that arise from sibling rivalry. 

by Amanda Sheppard

If you would like to speak with a counsellor about how Amanda or AMindset can support you, please contact us.

The latest mental health buzzword has been circulating the Internet, but what does it really mean for us, and what are its essential components?

Hygiene, health and safety have been popular phrases used in almost every post-Covid setting. We’re all being reminded to wash our hands, practice good hygiene and to ensure we protect ourselves from flus, viruses and more. But is there an equivalent practice to safeguard your mental health? 

Hygiene is now also being discussed in an altogether different setting. Mental hygiene is not a new concept or phrase. In fact, the National Council for Mental Hygiene was established 100 years ago. But it’s been seldom used outside of psychological practices until recently, and there has been growing interest in it in recent years as people’s awareness and understanding of mental health continues to grow. 

Just as you build your physical strength through small, every day, consistent behaviours, so too can you build your mental muscle, building resilience and promoting an overall sense of wellbeing. 

While there are no globally recognised standards for mental hygiene yet in the same way that there are for physical exercise or maintaining good physical hygiene practices, setting aside a short period of time each day – even if it’s just 10 minutes – can help to create a consistent pattern.

Mental hygiene involves the daily practice of essential preventive measures to keep your mental health at the forefront of your mind. This includes a roster of common self-care strategies, from walks in nature and mindfulness exercises to breathwork and more creative outlets such as journaling. 

Encourage yourself to take note of how you feel during these practices and whether they have an impact on your mood throughout the day and week. You might find that you benefit from the same activity at regular intervals or from adapting your mental hygiene to suit how you feel at the time. This can take the form of varied physical exercises or interchanging between physical movement, mindful practice and more.

Combining mental hygiene with attention to your physical health – by eating a balanced diet, making time for exercise and ensuring you are getting enough sleep – can help to create new and lasting positive habits. A recent study by Tremblay, Rodrigues and Gulati saw those who engaged in mental hygiene, including self-led positive psychology interventions, time spent in nature and meditation, reported decreased rumination, more feelings of positivity and a heightened awareness of their cognitive processes.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/26320770211000376 

by Amanda Sheppard

If you would like to speak with a counsellor about how Amanda or AMindset can support you, please contact us.

Don’t be stoic about being alone this Christmas, or any time when you are usually with family.

No matter what kind of person you are: a people person, or someone who likes to spend time alone, there is nothing as lonely as a traditional family day spent on your own.

It can be particularly difficult this time of year when growing up; it would be the most exciting thing to look forward to.

Be aware of your feelings:

Acknowledge disappointment if you were planning on spending Christmas with family or friends and nothing has come of it. It’s okay to feel sad.

Acknowledge that it may be possible to meet up with friends and family on another day, even if it may be a few months away, and feel the love and joy then: give yourself something to look forward to.

Accept how you are feeling. Move your pride and prejudice of being ‘strong’ and ‘stoic’. Being alone at Christmas can be awful, especially if your denial of your feelings comes back to bite you on the day itself. It can lead to resentment of self and others and a drop in well-being and self-esteem.

Change your expectations of this Christmas, whether you choose to spend it with others or alone.

Expecting perfection leads to disappointment and having low expectations can lead to no action, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Spending Christmas with Others

Be pro-active. Instead of hoping someone will reach out or invite you, reach out to them.

Hope only sometimes leads to a solution, but action always does

Chances are that the other people thought you were busy or were hoping you would call. Reach out and see.

Don’t turn down invitations because of your pride. Accept that people have invited you because they want you there.

If someone asked you to spend Christmas with them and their family, and you answered no because you thought that you would only intrude, they did not really mean it or it makes you feel uncomfortable, call them and ask if the invitation is still open.

But: accept invitations from people you actually like, so you can enjoy your day with them.

Avoid people you do not want to spend time with.

Spend time with those you can spend time with. If you can do something and get there in person, do so. If need be, get out of your comfort zone and suggest something. If you cannot meet up, schedule a call, Zoom, FaceTime, or even just chat over WhatsApp.

If you cannot be with family this year, organise your own:

Host or join an ‘Orphan Christmas’ at home, in the park, on the beach (weather permitting), make it a potluck so everyone can contribute, or go out for a meal.

Create your own temporary Christmas Family. There are not many days left, but ask your single friends, or those whose partner is away if they would like to spend Christmas with you. It does not have to be big, or expensive. These days, it’s about being with people you like and get on with instead of being alone.

Go to a church, temple, or another prayer place, even if you are not religious. These places have had millennia of perfecting these traditional days to work for everyone. Usually, there is a post-service event where you can talk to other people who are not quite ready to go home either.

Volunteer at Christmas There is nothing quite like the good feeling we get from volunteering, especially in comparison to sitting home alone and feeling lonely. When you volunteer, you are actively helping other people feel better which, in turn, lifts your mood and mental state. The conviviality experienced with other volunteers is positive and good for mind and spirit.

Spending Christmas Alone

If you really are better on your own, make sure your day is planned. Have a planned walk or a marathon of uplifting movies that will get you through.

Focus on what you can do:

Is there something you’ve wished you could do if only you had the time? Something you really wanted to do? Give yourself the gift of time and permission to do it at Christmas this year. Plan it out, look forward to it and do it.

Go for a long walk around the city or in the countryside, getting rid of the cobwebs in your mind, invigorating and connecting with the oldest part of your brain that likes to look at and listen to natural surroundings.

Be kind to yourself.

Reward yourself throughout the day by doing things you love: a long bath, spa treatment, a good book or a box set to lose yourself in, cooking, a long walk, or something that makes you feel happy and comforted.

Do something you like that brings you joy.

Decorate your house as if you are not alone at Christmas because you are worth the decorations. Turn your home into a warm, self-loving nest. It can be a little tree with lovely little lights in the corner or the biggest tree with lots of decorations and flashy lights, depending on your personality, style and budget.

Get yourself a nice Christmassy candle. As we have learnt from aromatherapy, scents have a powerful effect on us, taking us back to places we love or hate and helping us feel better and comforted.

If Christmas is something you would rather ignore completely, surround yourself with people who do not celebrate either, and do something different with them. Even lunch or a movie will do.

You don’t have to celebrate Christmas.

Get yourself somewhere else. On the day itself, go out, and change your environment.

If you can afford it, have a change of scene altogether.

Many cultures do not celebrate this holiday, so get to one of those countries where Christmas is not on the calendar (i.e. Thailand) and revel in it being just another day…  Get out of your comfort zone and ask your friend to come with you.

Stay away from social media, as it can lead to negative comparisons, leaving you lonely and depressed. Do a digital detox with things that make you happy.

Lonely with Your Friends and Family Present.

If you have to spend Christmas with family who will not meet your emotional needs, have a call, chat, or video with friends you do connect with, or the Samaritans. They are brilliant listeners and allow you to talk it off.

Choose another day to meet up with those who meet your needs, such as good friends or have a ‘reward yourself’ day to recharge your batteries.

Whether Alone or with Others:

Practice gratitude. Sometimes we get so bogged down with what we don’t have that we neglect or take things we do have for granted. Sit back, look around and appreciate what you have, even if it’s just a little thing. Gratitude increases the positive chemicals in our brains, making us feel better.

Plan ahead. At Christmas, look ahead and plan for next year. What goals will you set? What would you continue doing? What would you stop doing? What will you start doing? Write a plan, timeline and actions to create a positive outlook for your future with goals and ways of getting there.

Sleep! Have a few good nights’ sleep, as sleep deprivation can increase stress and depression.

Alcohol is a depressant. Drinking your sorrows away is a myth – try other drinks. Hot chocolate or aniseed milk are warming, good before bedtime, watching a movie, or reading a good book.

If you’re not coping or are not sure, reach out. Either friends, family, or the Samaritans. They are here to listen, are open all the time and are happy to take your call, even if you feel just a little blue or lonely.

See a counsellor or psychotherapist to talk about it. We are here for you, on your side, supporting and working together with you to figure things out and get you through this tough time.

Elise Phillipson is a psychotherapist who practises at AMindset in Central and at Central Health in Discovery Bay.​

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” 

– Barbara De Angelis

By performing random acts of kindness, we not only brighten someone else’s day but also enrich our own life. This is the ideal day if you have been meaning to do something kind for someone but have been putting it off.

❤️ See below some great ways to be kind to somebody:

1. Compliment the first three people you talk to.
2. Write a hand-written note to your partner or child
3. Say good morning to the person next to you in the coffee shop.
4. Call a friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in a long time
5. Pick up litter. Spend 10 minutes cleaning a park/beach or your neighbourhood.
6. Place uplifting notes in library books, mirrors or on someone’s computer screen.
7. Dedicate 24 hours to spreading positivity on social media.
8. Surprise your neighbour/friend with some freshly cooked snacks or meal
9. Go out of the way to make someone smile
10. Leave a generous tip
11. Give someone a genuine compliment.
12. Send flowers to someone.
13. Visit a dog or a cat in an animal shelter
14. Donate for a good cause
15. Write a positive review or recommendation for someone who provided good services for you
16. Listen to someone empathetically 
17. Set an alarm to go off three times on World Kindness Day. When the alarm sounds, stop what you’re doing a call/text/email someone simply to tell them how awesome they are
18. Buy coffee for the person behind you in line
19. Learn the names of your office security guard, the person at the front desk and other people you see every day. Greet them by name.
20. say “hello” to strangers and smile.
21. compliment a parent on how well-behaved their child is
22. Send a gratitude email to someone who deserves more recognition
23. Write a kind message on your mirror for yourself, your partner or a family member
24. When you hear that discouraging voice in your head, tell yourself something positive — you deserve kindness too
25. Bring a little bit more kindness in each and every day from today onwards. 

We each have the potential to improve each other’s lives through understanding and kindness. Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague or stranger, our ability to show our humanity should have no limit. Be kind, be kind be kind. 

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Happy September, everyone. May the new school year kick off on a positive note. Wishing calmness, strength and zen-mode to all of us (both children and parents).

Adapting to school 🙇 🏢📗📘🗓✏️🖋📝🙇‍♀️ can take a month or even more. And not only for children but also for ourselves, their parents. Here are some ideas on how to help us all get into school rhythm as painlessly as possible – learned from my personal experience, the experience of other parents and recommendations within the framework of positive discipline.

⭐️ Preparation for school starts in the evening

In the morning, it will be easier if the child knows what he is wearing and what he needs to bring with him. If you know that there will be something unusual at school the next day (doctor, meeting, photographer), it is best to talk it through and discuss it before going to bed. The younger the child, the earlier the bedtime, especially in the first weeks: due to stress from beginning classes (comparable to the stress from the birth of a new sibling). The stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol are already produced in large quantities and, if you add to this lack of sleep, then everything can end in a nervous breakdown. If classes are online, then it is best for your child to have a specifically allocated place to study. For example, a desk in a room, on which there is a computer and where all required supplies are easily accessible. In the evening, you can set up the computer and prepare all the necessary materials so that in the morning you just have to switch the computer on and log in.

⭐️ May the mornings be good

A good mood in the morning is the key to a good day. This is easiest to do when Mom and Dad are in a good mood and there is no mad rush. You can set the alarm 15 minutes earlier and have an early morning chat and cuddle. Exercising is another great activity to do together.

It is not necessary to have a bootcamp style workout; even a few minutes of stretching can be enough. You can also add a minute of meditation and visualisation of a cool day ahead. The kids love it.

⭐️ Morning routine

Even if the school is online, get up at the same time as on the days when you have to go to school. The morning programme should be repetitive day after day. As an option: exercise, teeth, breakfast, a little game, dressing up, going out. Maybe dress in school clothes before turning on the computer).

Another good rule is no gadgets or TV in the morning (right before the start of the online process), so that nothing distracts attention.

⭐️ Not wanting to go to school is normal

Sooner or later you will hear the phrase: “I don’t want to go to school.” Any parent should be ready for it on any day. There are a lot of reasons for reluctance: from superficial (got up on the wrong foot and it’s cold) to deep internal processes related to school fights, quarrels or even bullying. Here are several options for interaction: 🧩 Accept and mirror the child’s feelings: “I understand you so well, I also don’t want to go to work (to the store, babysit your younger brother)”. This phrase is often enough. The child sees that he has been heard and understood; 🧩 Accept and give an example from your life: “I totally understand you. I also often did not like going to school as a kid. Especially in winter. Imagine, I had to wear tights, leggings and woollen socks. Everything itched, and it felt hot at home, but so cold outside ” 🧩 Try to find out if there is a deeper reason, and offer to convey this to the teacher: “You really do not want to get changed for PE today and because of this you do not want to go to school? Maybe we will write Ms. Smith a note asking her to help you with your buttons?” To minimise the number of such days (as a preventive measure), you can also try other methods, for example: 🧩 Play school with your child on weekends with the help of toys: “Oh, look at this dolly Anabelle, she cries every morning that she doesn’t want to go to school. How can we help her?” Often, in the course of such a game, the deeper reasons would come out and you can suddenly hear something like: “She does not want to go to school because Mark pushes her against the walls all the time” or “She just does not like to have lunch at school, but they make her eat that food and that makes her sad. ” Children often automatically transfer their associations and emotions to the play situation. 🧩 Chat about the day ahead with your child on the way to school: “Who, I wonder, will be the funniest today? Will the teacher wear a red sweater or a green one?” Here, again, you can switch on your fantasy and say that it seems to you that she will be wearing an orange hat with an ostrich feather. Together you laugh at this picture, and the level of tension will subside. With an online school, there may be a similar reluctance due to lack of socialisation, screen fatigue, inability to physically move. The main thing here is to give your child a break and a change of activity. Switch his or her attention. 👆By the way, at the age of 8-9-10 years old, three hours of screen time per day is the maximum. Up to 6-7 years old the maximum is two hours.

⭐️ Teacher authority

At school, the teacher takes the position of a “significant adult”, which means that the child needs to establish a connection with this person. The focus should automatically be shifted to the teacher and their authority. Usually within 2-3 weeks it becomes clear whether the connection has been established. If the teacher was able to correctly communicate her authority and is being respected by the kids , then he or she becomes a source of instructions and rules: “No, Mom, Mr. Jones said that it has to be a green folder, not a red one.”

If this does not happen and the child cannot adjust to school even after a long period of time, it is best to contact the teacher and discuss what you can do together (an experienced teacher in such a situation will contact the parents).

⭐️ Everyone needs friends

Kids go to school for many reasons and, of course, socialisation is one of the main ones. It is very important for the kids to have friends. At least one or two. The sooner such person(s) appear(s), the better and easier the child’s school life will be.

Often this just sort of happens itself and you start hearing the name of a certain student more and more: “Jake brought markers, Jake gave me a carrot. Jake and I ran.” If the schooling is online and you do not have a strict quarantine, then it is probably worth organising playdates and other out-of-school activities with peers a few times a week.

⭐️ Promise you will be back to pick them up

Usually, this is dealt with in pre-school or nursery, where you establish with your kids that you will definitely be there straight after lunch or sleep or walk. But if your child did not go to kindergarten and is only just experiencing this big new life for the first time, the separation is scary, and it is better to discuss everything in advance.

Even if a child is eager to go to school and outwardly remains calm, remember that inside he can be tense and anxious. After all, it’s not difficult to discuss school hours and the end of the school day: “Look, it’s 8:30 now, I promise – at exactly 3 pm I’ll be waiting for you at the entrance.” At first, you can even leave a little memory of yourself (a little squishy toy or photo or key chain to instil positive feelings and your presence when the child is in school). And it is best to be in school at exactly 3 pm as those 5 minutes of lonely waiting when the rest of the kids have already gone, can seem like an eternity in childhood.

⭐️ Let off steam after school

Sometimes, when they start school, some other things can happen – like nightmares, nail biting or sleeve sucking. Kids get all sorts of colds and viruses. They might have upset stomachs and all sorts of other emotional and somatic reactions. This is all normal and will pass quickly if caused solely by adaptation to starting school.

Therefore, I suggest we parents be patient, get some herbal teas (or a couple of bottles of wine) and try to get through the first weeks as calmly as possible. The beginning of the new school year is a difficult time, but it is wonderful nevertheless. Children are discovering a new world for themselves, and in many ways, the mindset of the parents determines their long-term relationship with the school.

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